When Confidence Disappears

I’ve lost my confidence. I don’t know if it’s in the story or in my writing ability but it started before Christmas. I Tweet out something like, “I’m going to write tonight!” but end up watching five episodes of Star Trek that I’ve seen a dozen times over.

Has this ever happened to you? Am I alone?

For a time I was all gun-ho in my outlining, my plotting, my researching and my writing community hashtags. There comes a point when the line is crossed between procrastination and burn out. I think I’ve happened upon that line and am precariously walking it between scrapping the whole project and taking a complete break from it all.

Without going into too much detail, let’s just say that the end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019 contained a rough combination of events, culminating in a hospital visit with two emergency-esque surgeries. As much as I’d love to get this story written, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve just been keeping things status quo with my health for too long a time.

I was using writing as an escape, creating characters to focus on and gave them their own problems to work through rather than correcting my own.

So I’m glad I made a post in early December on my Twitter feed that highlights smaller, more obtainable goals:

Okay. Some of them aren’t that small, but I didn’t have goals or my own journey map drawn out for 2018. I think that’s what I need for 2019 — my own fantasy style map where I draw my own “x” marks the spot.

So maybe it is a lack of confidence I’m experiencing right now. Maybe I just need to keep reminding myself of the dream I’ve had since I was a kid — to become a published author. And I know for a fact that I just need to keep reminding myself that this is a long process for me. While others are tweeting out that they “cranked out another outline or full first draft manuscript in one night,” I need to concentrate on my own journey while being happy for those who are farther along in the process.

Which isn’t always an easy feat. I wish I could include that song from The Sound of Music, “I have confidence in sunshine. I have confidence in rain,” but I really can’t. Because that’s not how I feel.

Hi. My name is Leigh. I am a small time, unpublished writer with insecurities galore and a dream perhaps similar to yours. It’s nice to meet you.

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